Solo Parenting: A Personal Journey and Practical Guide

Ever since I became an adult, I've wanted a child. It has been the one constant desire in my life, ask my friends from uni and that is the first thing they will tell you. I was constantly on my "I can't wait to start working so I can have a child. I didn't know who the dad would be, it was never something I envisioned, I never envisioned the white dress and walking down the altar like many young girls do but I knew I wanted a child. Fast forward many many years later (2017-took longer than I expected, not that I was actively trying but the opportunity was just never there) and after an intense short term relationship with someone I thought was my person, after moving half way around the world and returning home for a short visit, I found myself pregnant. It wasn't an accident, it was something we spoke about and actively worked at, so it was a surprise when after telling him I was pregnant his words were "get rid of it, or pretend I didn't exist". Come to find out just this last year that he is in fact married (how I found out requires a whole other blog post), guess I should have figured that one out. Now, knowing how much I've longed for a child, there was no way on earth that was going to happen and so began my journey of sole parenthood. I returned to my adopted country and prepared for the birth of my baby. Single and starting life in a new country was not the journey I had envisioned, or had I?

Fast forward a few months later and I drove myself to the hospital in anticipation of having my son (I'd found out at 20 weeks I was going to have a boy). I'd hired a doula (by the way, highly recommended) but since this was to be an induction as the little man was refusing to vacate the premises, she wouldn't be with me until I was in active labour. My intention was to have the baby naturally and drive myself back home and begin this next chapter of my solo parenting journey. Unfortunately, the little one had other plans and after being in labour for twenty four hours, without epiduaral, I was only 4 cm dialated and the little one started going into distress. An unplanned c-section was immediately scheduled and he entered the world a few hours later. His arrival brought immense joy, laying the foundation for my life as a solo parent.

So what exactly is a solo parent or solo parenting? In understanding solo parenting, it's essential to distinguish between being a sole parent and a single parent. As a sole parent, I navigate the parenting landscape without the involvement of the other biological parent, a unique experience in it's own right. On the other hand, a single parent, while shouldering the primary responsibility, may still have the potential for shared responsibilities or co-parenting arrangements. I've witnessed many variations of single parenting; there are those who happily co-parent with really great co-parenting structures in place and the parents get along so well you often wonder why it didn't work together. There there are those single parenting relationships that require court orders and mediation to make it work. Depending on the single parenting experience I am exposed to on any given day, I'm either grateful it's just me or I dream of the day I can drop him off at his dad's house for a week for the week-on, week-off arrangement.

As a solo parent there are many challenges I have encountered so far, and I am sure there will be many more to come. Some of these are:

1. Balancing work, childcare (and now primary school routines), and my personal well-being are overwhelming on some days.

2. Making decisions alone, financial pressures, and the absence of co-parent support are things I grapple with constantly.

3. Thoughts are constantly flooding my mind surrounding the fact that this little persons entire well-being rests squarely on my shoulders. Some days are worse than others and the fact that he is a highly allergic child makes this even more anxiety inducing.

4. In an emergency, especially if it is late or night or early morning, I will have no one to leave him with. I can recall one instance in which I had to go to the hospital and I had to drag him with me. We were there for hours so that was very tough for him, but he was a little trooper to the end.

Exploring the impact of solo parenting on both children and parents reveals a dual nature. While it fosters resilience and independence in children, the absence of a co-parent's support poses challenges. Children in solo-parent households may develop a strong sense of responsibility and independence, but they may also experience a longing for the absent parent. The emotional toll can manifest in various ways, from academic performance to social relationships.

For the parent, the autonomy gained by sole parents can be empowering, fostering self-reliance and personal growth. However, the potential for burnout and stress is a reality. The weight of decision-making, financial responsibility, and emotional support solely on one parent's shoulders can lead to exhaustion. This delicate balance between independence and the need for support shapes the dynamics of solo parenting.

Drawing from personal experiences, here are some practical tips for fellow sole and single parents:

• Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with understanding friends, family - if you can, or support groups. If you are like me and you are in a country that is not your country of birth with no family around then this becomes even more critical. Get to know those other other moms and dads at drop off and find the ones that live close by to arrange playdates as much as possible. This will give you an opportunity to bond with other like minded adults and will also give the child an opportunity to create friendships outside of school. This has been a lifesaver for us. There are so many good humans in this world we live in.
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• Prioritize Self-Care: Schedule time for self-care without guilt. This is a must. I've been lucky enough to have been working from home since the day my son was born and so when he was old enough for day care and now finally primary school I've learned to take time during my lunch breaks to either go to the gym, get a massage, get my nails done or just have a walk along the lake. It allows me to reset to tackle the evening shift, not only at work but also as a parent.
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• Effective Time Management: Plan and prioritize tasks to maximize efficiency. Create a schedule if needs be, and don't be afraid to cut unnecessary activities to leave time for those that are necessary. Prepare and freeze meals ahead, this is absolutely clutch for those days when you are just unable to can. Imagine having to prepare a meal on those hectic days when it feels like everything just needs to be done. Getting them ready for school, drop off at school, get some work done (or go into the office if you don't work from home), run errands, do household chores, get some time to yourself to prepare for them to come home so that you can spend time with them, play with them, prepare meals and then get them ready for bed before exhaustion takes over. I was never a fan of freezer meals but on the days when I just cannot and I check the freezer and find something delicious, those are the days I celebrate small victories.
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• Open Communication with Child(ren): Foster understanding and mutual support. Don't be afraid to have those difficult conversations, this will create an even stronger bond with your child(ren). My son has been asking about his dad since it was 2 and a half years old, honesly, I thought I would have more time but we have been speaking about it since then. For now he is satisifed with the answers I've given but I am mentally preparing for the more difficult conversations when he gets older.
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• Seek Professional Help if Needed: Don't hesitate to seek assistance from therapists or counselors. Personally I would avoid speaking with friends, results can vary and the last thing you want to do is put undue strain on a friendship and let's face it, some friends are just a bit judgy. I've had started this process but had stopped as the person I was speaking to retired and then COVID-19 happened and it just all felt like too much. This is something I intend on restarting this year.

Coping as a solo parent requires strategies for emotional well-being:

• Acknowledge Emotions: Allow yourself to feel and process emotions without judgment. Cry if you need to, laugh when you have to and talk to someone if you want to. This can be very difficult at times but in the end it will be in the best interest of you and your child. I've been afraid of acknowledging my emotions and I can honestly say that on some days I find myself so angry that the simplest of things from my son will get me so angry. When I finally get a chance to review my day and think about those encounters I realize that I am not where I need to be emotionally.
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• Temper Expectations: Recognize and acknowlegde that perfection is unattainable. There are days I feel so guilty because I can't do everything I want to with my son but at the end of the day I know he is happy and I'm doing the best that I can.
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• Celebrate Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate both small and significant achievements.
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• Connect with Others: Share experiences with fellow solo or single parents. They are the ones who are most likely to understand the immense pressure you are under. Formulate strategies for playdates and babysitting with trustworthy ones so that you can have a moment to yourself somethimes. Self-care is a must.
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• Embrace Flexibility: Adaptability is crucial in the ever-evolving landscape of solo parenting. This especially I have come to appreciate and accept, there are times when you just won't be able to do things the way you planned, and that is ok. Don't see these as setbacks but rather opportunities to explore other options and paths.
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Solo parenthood is a unique and challenging journey. By sharing my birth story and offering insights into the nuances of solo parenting, I aim to provide support and encouragement for those navigating this uncharted territory. Your journey is both courageous and inspiring, and remember, you are not alone.

I am here to listen if anyone wants to share their story as well. You can "Unwine'd" with us. This is a safe and welcoming space!